I used to think I was behind.
Actually, depending on the day, I still do.
There are things I thought I would have accomplished by now. Things I thought I would have figured out. Places I thought I would be in life.
Like, where are my ten children and my hundred-acre ranch?
Okay, maybe not ten. 😂
But I really did have a picture in my head of what my life would look like by now. And some of it looks nothing like that picture.
And it’s hard not to notice when somebody else is already there.
Social media certainly doesn’t help. You can be perfectly fine with your life, open Instagram for five minutes, and suddenly you’re wondering why you don’t own a house, have a thriving business, travel four times a year, and wake up at 5 a.m. drinking green juice.
Meanwhile, I’m just trying to remember where I put my glasses.
But seriously.
I’ve had to think about what I actually mean when I say I’m “behind.”
Behind who?
And according to what schedule?
Because being behind and being late aren’t necessarily the same thing.
Sometimes I think I’ve looked at what someone else accomplished at 30, 35, or 40 and quietly decided that because I’m getting there later, I somehow missed something.
But their life isn’t my clock.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have regrets. There are absolutely things I wish I had done sooner. There are decisions I would make differently if I could. I don’t think acknowledging that means I’m living in the past. It just means I can look back honestly.
What I’m learning, though, is that regret doesn’t get to decide what is still possible.
I can’t go back and become the person I would have been if I had made every right decision.
Honestly, I don’t even know who that woman would be.
I only know who I am now.
And I can start from here.
I’ve been thinking about Philippians 1:6, where Paul says:
“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.”
Philippians 1:6, KJV
Until.
That’s the part that gets me.
Because that means God apparently isn’t as bothered by me being unfinished as I am.
There is still work being done.
And if God hasn’t decided He’s out of time with me, maybe I need to stop acting like I am.
That’s been freeing for me because I think I spent a lot of time believing a new beginning only counted if it happened early enough.
But early enough for what?
I’m here.
I have things I want to do. Things I believe God has put in me. Things I’m building. Things I’m still learning.
And none of those things become less meaningful because somebody else got there first.
So no, I didn’t arrive first.
I’m learning that I don’t have to.
I just have to keep going.